maybe i should leave the why alone and start learning the how to make it better..

resep pamungkas untuk menyiksa diri.
mari kembali saja ke titik nol.
tabula rasa.
toh, belajar tidak harus dengan guru atau teman yang itu-itu saja..

i want someone who stays. 

tonight, the rain starts drumming against the roof.

playlist baru-baru ini:

all i heard was the sound of an exhausted fan circling above me.. there was no other sound. i felt like i had just been teleported to a different world. a quieter version of my usual life. i was sitting at the security desk. not so sure if he wouldn't mind me doing so. the desk was positioned so strategically that you could see what happened in every corner. you could see firsthand who gets out of the elevator on this 6th floor. there was no one around. i was waiting for my love packing up his things inside the room. the room was soundless. it was almost 5 o clock. not a happy time for being alone in a building where the students were still on their first week of vacation. a lecturer, he was. my most favorite. anyway, the floors were so clean that you could see the reflections of the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. now it was already 5 o clock. everytime i made a move, i was afraid i would be heard by everyone that was still here in the building. actually, i was more afraid that i would bother the unseens. this situation was very Murakamiesque. surreal. quiet. strange, yet, you dont mind to experience it. all of a sudden, i heard echoes of rushing steps. the vague tips of the ending from nowhere to be seen stranger's laughter. it was a sign for me to leave. but, my love, he was still inside the room. i was waiting outside, anxiously. i still am. waiting.



*cp, januari 2012.

kamu sempurna
sampai-sampai aku tidak mau kamu ada
dunia idea berbeda dengan dunia mengada
kamu, adalah bukti purna sebuah forma
sedangkan, aku masih mencari bentuk,
yang prosesnya mentato luka
di sekujur tubuh
mencari ciri, mencari tanda
mencari makna

kamu sempurna
dan aku masih jauh dari madya..

setoples waktu aku simpan untukmu.
belum tertera tanggal kadaluarsa.
tidak tahu juga, apakah nasibnya akan seperti minuman anggur,
atau malahan seperti kerupuk ikan.

aku tidak tahu apakah kamu suka dengan waktu atau justru berbeda selera
aku tidak pernah berani bertanya
takut dengan jawabannya

aku tidak punya banyak persediaan waktu
tapi, sekali ini aku lancang
menyimpankan setoples untukmu..

memang selalu sama
tiba-tiba menjadi manja.

pantas saja kabur semua ;p


kembali mengingat perjalananan tanpa pasangan dari Granada yang berujung di Sintra.


sendiri itu tidak apa-apa.


tidak sendiri juga bukan selalu berarti segala.


mengulang pola memang nyaman, tetapi lama-lama pastinya akan membosankan.

Seperti ada bola api di ulu hati.

the loveliest flower of all.
like fallen snow covering the top of the trees in the winter forest.
white, fragile.
harmless.



*the guy from the flower shop told us with accent made the name sound like "baby bread". scary.

best friends are the most effective anti-depressant.



finally, a heartfelt sincere laugh. :)

in that split second, the memory of you fills the gap.

jika kelak aku punya anak perempuan, akan aku namakan renjana.

amidst the heavy downpour all afternoon, all i could think about was him. and how it would be so nice and warm to sip tom yam together in that little rendezvous place so close to home. him and tom yam. the perfect recipe to wipe the coldness away. but i knew rain didn't bring anything except acute melancholy. it never felt this lonely. and as i approached home, i saw a car that resembled his parked outside my house. my heart was suddenly racing, i could feel my cheeks reddened. of course, it was a false alarm. my eyes were blurred by the rain and my mind was clouded by the smoke from my burning hope.


yes, i know rain only brings nothing but melancholy.




and it's cold. cold. cold.

restless mind in a tired body. this is just too much. too much time has gone down the drain.
let's just hope that tomorrow's gonna be normal.


hehe, what is normal anyway?



*ok, ini udah berlebihan sih.. -_-

nothing scares me more than facing the nights nowadays.
well, actually one thing does.
it's waking up in the mornings. because...



*i should really find another way. a healthier way. writing therapy seems to fail me.

how do you refrain from missing someone?



te echo de menos. and it's been echoing all day.

mustahil tidak jatuh cinta ketika apa yang pertama kali aku lihat saat kapsul bianglala kembali ke bumi adalah mata bersemangatnya. mata bersemangat yang dibingkai kacamata. ingin rasanya aku berlaku gila dengan turun dari kapsul meskipun bianglala masih mengayun. tapi, putaran masih sekali lagi. masih harus bersabar lagi. masih harus menunggu persetujuan waktu lagi.